Of Gardenburgers and Spider Monkeys
by Hermione W. Cullen
Summary: A parody of the Twilight movie. Need I say more?
1. Part I

_Twilight. The book that's been ruined for all of us by rabid commercialism (sort of). The movie we've all been waiting for (sort of). _

_The movie parody I've been planning for over a year. Now, in several installments, my dream of taking the mickey out of Summit Entertainment's "movie" is finally realized._

_-WARNING- script format seemed most logical, since it's a movie. So, if you don't like script format…tough._

**Of Gardenburgers and Spider Monkeys**

_Dramatis Personae_

BELLA, an insipid girl poorly portrayed by Kristen Stewart.

EDWARD, a godlike vampire overacted by Robert Pattinson, who is a method actor, which explains everything.

STEPHENIE MEYER, your questionable author.

ME, parodysmith extraordinaire and bemused viewer of movie.

MEMA, my grandmother, who hasn't read the books.

VIEWERS, real Twilight fans, who have been nervous about this movie since day one.

FANGIRLS, squealing preteens who don't give a shit if the movie is true to the artist's vision, since they're just here because Edward/Jacob is dreammmmyyy.

OTHER CHARACTERS no one cares about.

_Scene One: Bella Arrives in Forks._

-Weird foggy Twilight graphic that isn't the same font as the book title-

BELLA'S VOICE: I'd never given much thought to how I would die…

VIEWERS: Hooray! They managed not to mess it up within the first five seconds!

FANGIRLS: What the hell is this? Just give me Edward/Jacob!

ME: I hate Bella.

BELLA: -puts cactus in pot and sighs-

RENEE: Come on, Bella, time to drive you to the airport, which I'm not at all sad about, as demonstrated by my oddly cheerful voice!

PHIL: I'm a moron!

VIEWERS: So far, not so bad.

-we are suddenly in Forks-

CHARLIE: Your hair's longer.

BELLA: I hate everything.

ME: I hate _you_, Bella.

FANGIRLS: OMG OMG OMG IT'S FORKS! LET'S WHISPER AND GIGGLE ABOUT IT!

VIEWERS: Shut up, n00bs.

CHARLIE: I got you a purple bedspread. Do you like purple?

BELLA: I hate everything equally, so purple's fine.

ME: My cousin has that same bedspread. She got it from Target. There goes the illusion.

FANGIRLS: OMG OMG YOU GUYS LET'S GO BUY THAT BEDSPREAD AND BE COOL LIKE BELLA THEN MAYBE WE'LL MOVE TO FORKS AND FIND EDWARD AND HE'LL LIKE US BETTER CUZ WE'RE EVEN MORE INSIPID!

BELLA: -pulls out cell phone-

ME: I know two people that have that phone.

VIEWERS: Bella doesn't have a cell phone!

FANGIRLS: OMG OMG YOU GUYS LET'S GO BUY THAT PHONE AND BE COOL LIKE BELLA THEN MAYBE WE'LL MOVE TO FORKS AND FIND EDWARD AND HE'LL LIKE US BETTER BECAUSE WE'RE EVEN MORE INSIPID!

BILLY AND JACOB: We're here 50 pages early and we brought your truck!

TEAM JACOB: SQUEEEE!

VIEWERS: Ew. He's here early. And what the hell is wrong with his hair? Where's the ponytail?

ME: They decided James should have one, even though he doesn't in the book.

BELLA: Oh my gosh, I don't hate this truck!

ME: Lol. Who says "gosh"?

CHARLIE: Come on, Billy. Let's have characters and go pretend-fight and talk about fishing.

VIEWERS: OMG character!

JACOB: We used to make mud pies.

BELLA: I hate mud.

CHARLIE: Let's go out to eat, since the scriptwriters decided to give you character rather than cooking ability.

BELLA: I hate that. Let's go.

BILLY: Bye, guys.

JACOB: I'll be back.

TEAM JACOB: HOORAY!

-at the café-

GUY NAMED DWALIN: Hi, Bella! You probably don't remember me, since I'm not in the book. But I've known you since you were four.

BELLA: I hate you.

ME: Dwalin. Good, strong Welsh name.

EVERYONE ELSE: What kind of a name is Dwalin?

VIEWERS: Isn't there a dwarf named Dwalin in _The Hobbit?_

FANGIRLS: We don't care! Give us Edward/Jacob!

WAITRESS: Let the girl eat her gardenburger!

ME: Did she say gardenburger? OMG Bella's a vegetarian! This is SO perfect!

FANGIRLS: Who cares what Bella's eating? Give us Edward/Jacob!

_Scene Two: The first day of school._

BELLA'S VOICE: It's march.

VIEWERS: No, it's January.

ERIC: Hi. You must be Isabella. I'm Eric, suddenly cool and now newspaper editor instead of chess club president. Did I mention I'm now Asian?

BELLA: I hate people.

ERIC: Does that mean you don't want to be on the front page?

BELLA: I hate attention.

ERIC: I'm not in the least put out. You're way hotter than I expected.

ME: Kristen Stewart, I hate you and your pinchy nose.

-suddenly in the cafeteria-

ANGELA: -pulls out camera and snaps picture of Bella- Hi. I'm Angela. I know you didn't expect me to have a camera or weird plastic glasses, but such is life.

ERIC: Nix the camera, girl. The feature is OFF! -snaps in Z formation-

ANGELA: I guess we'll have to do another editorial on teen drinking.

BELLA: -Clever suggestion-

ME: What's happening? Bella is suddenly a person!

JESSICA: Hi, I'm Jessica. In the book, I'm lame and shallow, but here, I'm hilarious. Do you speak Valley Girl?

BELLA: I hate shallow people.

MIKE: Hi, Bella. I'm Mike, and I love you. Also, I act like an obnoxious Junior High kid.

-Cullens walk by windows-

FANGIRLS: SQUEEEEEEE!

BELLA: Oooo, shiny. I don't hate them. Who are they?

JESSICA: The one with the backwards baseball cap is Emmett, the one who's not as pretty as she's supposed to be is Rosalie, the one who isn't wearing designer clothes is Alice, and the one who looks like he's in pain which might have something to do with the fact that his hair looks like he's been electrified is Jasper.

BELLA: I was totally talking about the hot single one and you know it.

JESSICA: He's Edward, but he's too good for you.

BELLA: Dammit. You're probably right. I have no sense of self-worth.

-Biology class-

MIKE: Mr ------, this is Bella.

MR ------: Hello there. In the book my name is Mr. Banner, but not here. No one knows what my name is because I mumbled it. Take a seat next to Edward.

BELLA: How convenient.

EDWARD: I'm a method actor. –smolders angrily-

FANGIRLS: SQUEEE!

ME: Wow, he _is_ kinda cute.

EDWARD'S EYES: I hate you, Isabella Swan.

EDWARD'S EXPRESSION: -is overdone-

BELLA: Meep.

MEMA: This guy's a creep.

ME: Just wait, Mema. You'll see the light.

-in the office-

SECRETARY: In the book my name is Ms. Cope and I look like Stephenie Meyer, but here I have no character. I'm afraid we can't transfer you out of Biology, Edward.

EDWARD: I'll just have to endure it. –storms out like a two-year-old being denied candy-

BELLA: It must be my fault.

_Scenes Three: The Mystery of Edward is Established_

-the next day-

BELLA: Edward isn't here.

FANGIRLS: Then who cares?

VIEWERS: Then who cares?

ME: Then who cares?

SCRIPTWRITERS: Then who cares?

-cut to Edward's reappearance-

BELLA: -sits down very cautiously. Blames self. Is pinchy-nosed.-

ME: It is getting progressively easier for me to hate Bella.

EDWARD: -with more difficulty than if he were scaling Mount Everest while fighting off a pack of wild hyenas- hello.

FANGIRLS: SQUEEEE!

VIEWERS: Wow, Robert Pattinson. Overact much?

ME: It's not his fault. He's a method actor.

BELLA: Hi.

EDWARD: Let's identify some cells!

BELLA: Fine. But I'm totally smarter than you.

EDWARD: Okay then. Anaphase.

BELLA: Let me check. –checks- Dammit.

VIEWERS: Wow, they didn't screw up the Biology scene! There's hope!

EDWARD: I know I probably wierded you out, but let's be friends.

BELLA: Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?

ME: Close enough. Snigger snigger. Cuz he's a vampire…? Never mind.

BELLA: …because there's no way I'd be friends with you after that horrendous overacting!

EDWARD: Come on, please? It's not my fault I'm Method! -smolders-

FANGIRLS: SQUEEEEE! HE SMOLDERED!

EDWARD: -smolders to the audience-

FANGIRLS: -whisper- -giggle- -faint-

VIEWERS: Robert Pattinson, because your hotness gave us at least five minutes of silence from the squealing preteens, your horrendous overacting is temporarily forgiven.

EDWARD: Let's talk about you.

BELLA: Even though I don't open up to anyone else and you are the last person I'm likely to talk to since I think you hate me, I will tell you my life story.

-later, in the parking lot-

BELLA: Ho hum, my dad put new tires on my truck in a very touching father-daughter scene which gave the usually one-dimensional character of Charlie a human side.

TYLER: Ho hum, driving my van. By the way, Stephenie Meyer forgot to mention this, but I'm black.

ICE: -is slippery-

TYLER: AAAAAGGHH! MY VAN WENT CRAZY AND IS NOW TRYING TO CRUSH A HOT GIRL! NOT HER!

EDWARD'S BRAIN: NOT HER!

-Edward slides in between Bella and the van. The side of the van dents a few seconds before Edward's hand touches it.-

BELLA: MY HERO!

OTHER CULLENS: WTF?????

LOCAL EXTRA WHO IS INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL TO HAVE A LINE: Call 911!

EDWARD: I'm a method actor! -overacts-

_A/N: Next time, we start with the hospital scene! Hope you guys enjoyed this. I'm sorry if there are some slight chronological mess-ups in this; there were some major chronological screw-ups in the movie, and my head is still spinning. If you have any suggestions, don't hesitate to give them!_


	2. Part II

Hiya, folks! Sorry this took so long, but I had to go re-watch the movie. And boy, did I get some ideas! So, here we go…

_Dramatis Personae_

BELLA, an insipid girl poorly portrayed by Kristen Stewart.

EDWARD, a godlike vampire overacted by Robert Pattinson, who is a method actor, which explains everything.

STEPHENIE MEYER, your questionable author.

ME, parodysmith extraordinaire and bemused viewer of movie.

MEMA, my grandmother, who hasn't read the books.

ANNIE, an amazingly badass friend of mine with whom I saw the movie the second time.

VIEWERS, real Twilight fans, who have been nervous about this movie since day one.

FANGIRLS, squealing preteens who don't give a shit if the movie is true to the artist's vision, since they're just here because Edward/Jacob is dreammmmyyy.

OTHER CHARACTERS no one cares about.

-Scene four: Answers, Lack Thereof-

CHARLIE: Omigod, Bella, are you hurt? You sure? You hit your head? Are you dead? Am I hallucinating?

TYLER: Omigod I'm so sorry Bella! Bella, I'm sorry! I promise I'm not secretly a member of the Italian Vampire Mafia who's trying to take you out! That doesn't happen till the next movie!

BELLA: I hate being in the hospital.

TYLER: I'm so sorry that I want to take you to prom to make up for it! Oh wait, no I'm not! That's too funny to leave in the movie! I'm just plain sorry!

BELLA: I hate apologies.

CHARLIE: Tyler, I is police officer. I'm going to call the cops, and they'll take you to jail, and I'll kill you!

TYLER: Bella, I'm so—

CHARLIE: Bugger off.

TYLER: meep.

VIEWERS: This is amusing.

FANGIRLS: This would be much funnier if Edward were here.

ME: You wouldn't know humor if it danced in front of you wearing Dobby's tea cozy!

ANNIE: You know what I found amusing? The _Harry Potter_ trailer at the beginning of this movie.

ME: Shut up. –twitches-

ANNIE: -giggles-

VIEWERS: -glare-

CARLISLE: Hey, guys. I'm on screen now, so you should pay attention. –is smexy-

ANNIE: It's Peter Facinelli! Hi Peter! How's Jenny and the kids?

CARLISLE: Bella, you're fine. Go home now.

BELLA: Your son is a brave, kind, and honest person. He pulled me out of the way of that van.

ME: "Brave, kind, and honest" being a euphemism for "very, very attractive."

CARLISLE: Um. Well. Nothing happened, Bella. It's all good. –is reassuringly smexy-

BELLA: I hate avoiding conversations. I'm going to take a walk.

-she walks around the corner, where she sees Carlisle, who has suddenly Apparated to the hallway, talking to Edward and Rosalie-

ROSALIE: You should've just let her get juiced, Edward. Then at least you'd have gotten a good meal out of this whole experience.

EDWARD: No, I'm already emo enough. Imagine how horrid I'd feel if I ate her.

ROSALIE: This is about everyone, Edward. Meaning me.

CARLISLE: Guys, I think Bella's listening.

-all three turn simultaneously, falling awkwardly silent-

BELLA: Haigaiz.

ROSALIE: -evil vamp girl glare-

EDWARD: I'm method. Your blood smells good to me.

BELLA: Um, Edward, er, that is to say, can I, um, talk to, ah, you for a, aherum, second?

CARLISLE: -blinks- Are you feeling okay?

BELLA: Um, yeah, I'm just, uh, distracted by how, um, brave, kind, and honest he is.

ROSALIE: Okaywegonow.

Exit Carlisle & Rosalie.

FANGIRLS: OMG EDWARD AND BELLA ARE ALONE TOGETHER!

ME: OOoo-er.

ANNIE: You are incredibly strange.

VIEWERS: SHUT UP!

EDWARD: _WHY MUST YOU TALK TO ME, ACCURSED HUMAN? YOU SHOULD TELEPATHICALLY KNOW THAT I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD! GO AWAY BEFORE YOU START TO SUSPECT SOMETHING UNUSUAL IS HAPPENING!_

BELLA: Here's the deal. You give me answers, I tell no one.

ME: Whoa. Someone's a little extra perceptive today. Is a wittle scwipt witew compensating fow some bad novew witing?

EDWARD: That would work really well…if…anything…had…happened. Which it didn't. Come to think about it, I have no earthly idea what you're talking about.

BELLA: Ha. You're funny.

ME: Wow. Edward's layin' it on a little thick here, isn't he?

MEMA: What a creep!

ME: Now, Mema, I wouldn't go quite that far.

ANNIE: If she wasn't a cute old lady I would smack her for that.

ME: She isn't a cute old lady.

ME: …

ME: Okay, she is.

VIEWERS: Incredible. I came to see the movie I've been waiting for for months, only to hear some moron debate the relative cuteness of her grandmother.

EDWARD: …Oh. OOoooOOOoooh. Are you talking about that one time when I pushed you out of the way of that one van? Haha, good times, good times.

BELLA: -in her most annoying monotone, with suspicious music in background- No, Edward. I saw you. Your hands made dents in the side of the van. You did more than push me out of the way—you stopped a sliding van with your bare hands.

EDWARD: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Haaaaaah! Hee-haw! That's a good one! I'd have to be some crazy supernatural thing, like a vampire or something, to do that! I think _someone's_ been living in Imaginationland!

BELLA: Just tell me how you did it, dipstick.

EDWARD: I had an adrenaline rush. It's very common. You can Google it.

VIEWERS: Seriously?

ME: Seriously?

ANNIE: Lol.

FANGIRLS: Omigod is Edward HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTT!!!!!!!!

BELLA: Well, no one really cares about the rest of the scene. Suffice to say you are kind of an asshole right now.

EDWARD: Actually, I'm method.

Scene Five: Catherine Hardwicke Had Some Problems in her Glory Days

BELLA: I look like I'm having an orgasm in my sleep, but really it's just a nightmare.

EDWARD: I'm not a creeper. I just like watching you sleep.

BELLA: Whossere?

EDWARD: Not me.

BELLA: And that was the first night I dreamt of Edward Cullen.

SCENE SIX: COMPOST IS COOL!

MR. --------: We're going on a field trip, guys!

VIEWERS: No you're not.

FANGIRLS: The biology teacher is an enthusiastic Latino! How hip and culturally aware!

MIKE: Hi, Bella. So, do you, um, like, want to go to, um, prom?

BELLA: I no dance. Edward is pretty.

MR. ------: Get on the bus, guys.

-We are now in a random greenhouse-

MR. ------: Compost is cool! Feed the plants, guys!

EDWARD: You are endangering yourself by being utterly obsessed with me.

BELLA: And you don't even say hi.

EDWARD: Hi.

BELLA: I know you pushed that van out of the way.

EDWARD: Nuh-uh.

BELLA: Uh-huh.

EDWARD: Nuh-uh.

ERIC: Look, Bella, a worm!

ME: All guys really ARE the same, aren't they?

ALICE: Hi there. I'm not very talkative in this movie, so I have to force all my cheeriness into five words. Are you riding with us?

EDWARD: I'm suddenly hostile.

VIEWERS: Awwwwwrighty then.

FANGIRLS: I like a guy who gets angry for no reason.

Scene Seven: La Push, behbeh

ERIC: LA PUSH, BEHBEH!

BELLA: Hi.

VIEWERS: Why do we get the feeling Eric is overcompensating for his former chess-club nature?

ERIC: La Push, Behbeh! It's La. Push.

ANGELA: We're going to the beach.

BELLA: I guess I'm in. –goes to the salad bar that suddenly exists-

APPLE: -is dropped-

EDWARD: -catches apple-

VIEWERS: Aaaaaaaand it's the iconic cover image. How subtle.

FANGIRLS: OMG OMG TWILIGGGGGHHHHHHTTTTT!

ANNIE: That apple is totally fake.

BELLA: Your mood swings are giving me whiplash.

EDWARD: I'm method. I can't help it.

BELLA: What are you?

EDWARD: What are your theories?

BELLA: If I had human emotions, my line about radioactive spiders and kryptonite would be funny. But I'm a robot.

EDWARD: 'kay then.

Scene Eight: Sexmoneycat

BELLA: I'm going to look up Quiluete legends and then moon over Edward.

JESSICA: No Cullens today.

ANGELA: I asked Eric out! I took control! Girl power!

ME: But…Ben Cheney…

ANNIE: But…cheesey line…

JESSICA: 'kay, guys, focus on ME. We should go to Port Angeles and get dresses before all the good ones are gone.

BELLA: Igowif?

ANGELA: Ye-ah. I need your opinion. I talk like a sixth grader.

-cut to Port Angeles-

ANGELA: I like lavender.

JESSICA: I like this one. It makes my boobs look good.

BELLA: I AM A ROBOT INCAPABLE OF HUMAN INTERACTION. I go bookstore. Meet you at restaurant?

JESSICA: Sure.

ANGELA: Okay.

VIEWERS: This actually isn't too bad.

BELLA: -is attacked-

EDWARD: -really foocking sweet car acrobatics- Bugger off, scum.

BELLA: Ohai.

EDWARD: Get in the car, genius.

FANGIRLS: OMG EDWARD IS HOTTTT SQUEEEEE!

VIEWERS: OMG SHUT UPPPPP!!!!!

EDWARD: I should go back and rip their heads off.

BELLA: Maybe not such a good idea.

EDWARD: Distract me. My acting is actually rather good in this scene, so don't let your monotone ruin it for me.

BELLA: Um, okay.

EDWARD: Aaaand…it's gone.

-they arrive at restaurant-

JESSICA: We waited for you for, like, ever, but we were really hungry…

EDWARD: I'm sorry I kept Bella from you.

ANGELA: It's okay.

JESSICA: Very, very okay.

EDWARD: I think she should get something to eat, if that's okay with you.

ANGELA: OMG SAAAAAAAXX!

JESSICA: BELLA, YOU LUCKY BITCH!

-Edward and Bella go into restaurant-

WAITRESS: Is there anything I can get for you?

EDWARD: Nope.

WAITRESS: Maybe something special, in the back?

EDWARD: No thanks.

BELLA: Soooo….wtf? Give me some answers.

EDWARD: Yes, no, maybe…to get to the other side…

BELLA: REAL ONES BEYOTCH!

FANGIRLS: Edward is snarky. How hip and culturally aware!

EDWARD: If you'd heard what those low-lifes were thinking…did I mention my American accent is somewhat forced?

BELLA: You heard what they were thinking?

MEMA: What the hell is wrong with this creep?

EDWARD: I can hear the thoughts of everyone in this room…except you.

BELLA: Oh YEAH? Double dog dare you to tell me what they're thinking.

EDWARD: Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Sex…money…sex…money…cat.

BELLA: Okay. Sounds reasonable to me.

-in the car-

BELLA: More questions?

EDWARD: I'm very emo and having issues with everything that just happened.

BELLA: If I were capable of human emotion, I would probably feel the same way.

-is big commotion outside police station-

EDWARD: Dammit, Dad's there! First there was no beheading of criminals, and now Dad show up just before we can migrate to the backseat! Tonight sucks.

VIEWERS: I am very confused right now.

FANGIRLS: DAMMIT! JUST WHEN EDWARD AND BELLA WERE ALOOOOONE TOGETHER…

CARLISLE: I=smexy. Waylin=dead.

EDWARD: Oh shite.

BELLA: That's terrible. I think I should hang around Edward. Ya know, for emotional support.

CARLISLE: Why don't you head inside, Bella? Waylin was your father's friend.

-touching and three-dimensional father-daughter scene in which Charlie gives Bella pepper spray-

Scene Nine: WTF?!?!?!?!?!

DWALIN: Hi there, audience. So, apparently my name isn't Dwalin, it' Waylin, or something like that. I dunno. I'm too minor a character to care, and I don't exist in the book, anyway. 'Kay. So, I'mma untie my boat now.

VICTORIA: Hi there.

WAYLIN: Just kidding. Apparently I am doing nothing at all. Free all night, in fact.

JAMES: I'm trying to look creepy, but my icky ponytail has a definite dampening effect on my scary factor. And I look like a parrot.

LAURENT: I'm dressed like a gay French dude! And I'm suddenly black! Apparently the director really DIDN'T read the book.

WAYLIN: So…

VICTORIA: 'Kayweeatyounow. –attacks-

LAME SPECIAL EFFECTS: - Are lame.-

_And…so ends part two. Lemme know whatcha think. Any improvements? Just suggest._


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